Overcoming Loneliness

In an age deemed by many as the most globally connected in history, loneliness may be the most pervasive plague of our time. Loneliness has always been a universal human experience affecting the poorest of the poor, the richest of the rich, and everyone in between. It’s also one of the most universally misunderstood experiences.

It’s misunderstood, because we immediately associate the word loneliness with being physically alone, yet we’ve each had the experience of feeling lonely while surrounded by people. That’s because loneliness is rooted in a feeling of being disconnected. Rather than being physically isolated, one need only perceive oneself as isolated to feel lonely. While loneliness may, at times, go hand-in-hand with being physically alone, it is more about one’s internal perceptions than an objective assessment of one’s setting. Loneliness descends like a dark cloud when there is a discrepancy between the relationships we want and those we feel we have. That’s why some people can lead solitary lives without being lonely, while others feel lonely sitting in a room full of people.

We live in a loud, busy culture that teaches us to prize “me time.” We prescribe self-care as empowerment as we step off the hamster wheel of productivity. Massages, pedicures, wine, Netflix, social media, hot baths, fishing, or rom coms may serve as our escapes from feeling like an order taker, chauffeur, or just another cog in the wheel. Unfortunately, very few modern self-care strategies lead us to feel more connected to others. If anything, they are designed to help us disconnect.

But what if we’re trying to heal the wrong ailment?

If we’ve misdiagnosed our busyness as being over-connected, when we’re actually suffering from a lack of genuine connection, and the treatment of this ailment is to seek to disconnect alone, at some point, we may find ourselves cycling in a bottomless pit of loneliness.  

When we start talking about connectedness, many of us drift to our social media followings and the number of followers we have.

But are we really connected to our followers?

Do we have a sense of community with those we follow on social media?

In talking with countless lonely people, I find that calling a social media audience a community does not deliver the connectedness needed to overcome loneliness.

We have the same issue in our churches.

Author Chris Brogan says,

“The difference between an audience and a community is which way the chairs are facing.”

We create audiences when the chairs face an individual delivering a message and communities when the message includes conversations between people facing one another. Perhaps there is a place for building audiences, but not without clear opportunities to build community. In modern American churches, it’s entirely possible to attend church services for decades without ever connecting to anyone. We can share small talk with the same people for years without really knowing them or feeling as if they know us. When that happens, we find ourselves connected to practices, traditions, places, but not people. Unfortunately, this connection has the same temporary soothing effect as our self-care efforts, leaving us feeling lonelier than ever after the warm tingling wears off.

The challenge becomes even more formidable when we observe that lonely people cling to what is familiar to them. Loneliness begets loneliness because lonely people are often afraid to let go of the very practices that keep them feeling disconnected to embrace the behaviors that will leave them feeling more connected.

Twice, in recent years, I’ve led a church to embrace a season of sitting at round tables and engaging in prayer and discussion questions related to the message during formal church services. Ironically, in each church, it was the very individuals who most often expressed loneliness who most resisted this new level of engagement. It was unfamiliar, therefore threatening to those feeling lonely. When it comes to loneliness, our feelings and actions have a chicken and egg relationship that keeps us from engaging in the very behaviors that will free us from its grasp. To feel differently, we must act differently, while convinced that we must feel differently before we can act differently.

There are lots of ways to help one another overcome loneliness - shared purpose, collaborations, serving together, small group discussions, shared meals, praying for one another, accountability relationships, emotional connections through stories, facing obstacles & overcoming challenges together, studying & growing together - but at its core, the antidote to overcoming loneliness is feeling as though we are known and accepted by people we know and accept. This process of knowing and being known diminishes the discrepancy between the relationships we want and those we feel we have.

Isn’t that the essence of what it means to follow Jesus and be the Body of Christ?   

We are called to lovingly, slowly, and earnestly earn the trust of those feeling lonely, so we can leverage that trust to get them to join us in the actions that we know can free them from loneliness even before they feel like they can. One person and step at a time - We trust and follow Jesus. They trust and follow us. They join us in trusting and following Jesus. Community is found. Loneliness is left behind.