Overcoming Shame

Shame is the sense that something is fundamentally wrong with oneself. We’ve each felt it. Perhaps it arose from a broken relationship, a professional failure, a perception of one’s body, being overlooked or bypassed, feeling socially discontent, or finding oneself in undesirable circumstances.

I’ve heard shame described as crippling, an unbearable weight, a continual gut-punch, a deep sense of hopelessness, a dark secret, an unbreachable wall, a prison cell, and a swift kick to the groin.

Our enemy uses shame as a weapon of isolation. His strategy has always been to separate us from others, and shame is one of his most effective ways to do so. Shame makes us feel as though we don’t belong, or we don’t measure up, so we pull away. We retreat. We hide from others.

Though sometimes we hide in plain sight. We don’t hide our full selves but choose to mask the part of us attached to the source of our shame. We create deflections and distractions to avoid feeling exposed, vulnerable, or measured. We seek to manipulate what others see by steering the spotlights toward our better features while avoiding what we wish to hide. This often leaves us appearing arrogant or shallow, or maybe with a sense of imposter syndrome, just adding to our shame. Fear of being deemed unworthy, ugly, or unwanted keeps us from being ourselves around others. So, we move through life feeling unknown and fearful that if others see through our ruse we’ll be shunned or worse.

The irony of shame is that it leads us to think that if we’re vulnerable, our world will fall apart while the truth is that only being vulnerable with others leads to healing and recovery from shame. Apart from trusting others by being open and vulnerable, shame is an inescapable pit. Shame erodes the very path to overcoming it by isolating us when we most need others.

Some will turn to religion, attempting to heal their shame through good works and impressions. Others will turn to sex, food, money, drugs, or other vices to distract themselves from their shame. Neither religion nor distractions overcome shame. They may momentarily numb the discomfort or pain, though the wound will only get deeper.

God longs to heal your shame. He will not look away from you, leave you feeling unchosen, express disappointment, or embarrass you. He loves you. God delights in your presence. He wants you in His presence. He relishes your attention. God is not ashamed of you. He invites you to join Him day or night. He is always ready to embrace you with open arms.

Perhaps the ultimate human embodiment of Jesus is when we, as His followers, run to embrace those shackled by shame.

Is there a more beautiful picture of compassion than a support group, church small group, friend group, or even an individual believer pursuing one overwhelmed by shame with an honest and transparent “Me too,” “You are not alone” or “You belong”?

When we surround shame with love, empathy, and acceptance in the name of Jesus, is it not God using what our enemy meant for harm and isolation to build stronger bonds?

Look around today. Someone you know is crippled by shame. Perhaps it’s you. But look farther. You may have the opportunity to free someone else AND yourself from shame. For shame is healed when two or more are vulnerable with each other and say, “me too, you’re not alone” and turn to one another and God together.

Thanks for reading,

John