Stained Glass
He knew that she knew he was lying when she drew close and insisted, “Look me in the eye.” Yet, he lied anyway.
Then he saw something break. It wasn’t the blood-curdling scream. It wasn’t the dishes shattering on the kitchen floor. Something in her eyes left. Something inside her broke. In that moment life changed. Shame settled upon him like a weighted wool blanket in July.
When he finally confessed, the burden of his secret was lifted off him… and thrown onto her. He was relieved. She was smothered, choked by fear and insecurities.
The following days felt like years. It was as though they were living through a hurricane – long periods of silent stillness followed by fits of rage, despair, and endless questions. Unrelated dots connected - fear, anger, and imagination writing a story even worse than reality.
He had three options.
He could flee. He could abandon the covenant of his youth to chase what could never be caught. With his personal baggage in tow, he could seek to build upon a foundation of deceit and betrayal, while perhaps watching another man raise his children. He could leave dozens of family members and friends feeling as though they must choose a side. He could walk out the door leaving her alone with her gaping wound. He could even spin it, if only in his mind, to be her fault.
He could choose the cruelest option. He could cower behind more lies, telling her what she wanted to hear while biding his time to build a better plan to leave. He could simply check the boxes to show his children, family, and friends that he tried. This deeper layer of betrayal would cripple her capacity to trust, adding years to her recovery, and perhaps shattering any prospect of cooperative or friendly co-parenting. It might also divide their family for several generations as children and grandchildren would have to choose who they would invite to holiday dinners, birthdays, graduations, weddings… if the two of them could not be in the same room together.
Or he could choose the hard, honorable route. He could humble himself, repent, and embrace the long, yet rewarding path of earning her trust and respect. He could seek help and trust God to offer grace and restoration before she could fathom either. This path would take years. The hurricane would subside, giving rise to thunderstorms that felt like hurricanes. Yet, while one may evacuate one’s home in a hurricane, no one evacuates for a thunderstorm. If he leaned in, consistently offering understanding and support without fleeing or defending, the storms would lessen in frequency and intensity. The goal would not be to return to the marriage they had. No, a great marriage, the one they foresaw when she said “yes” would be their goal. This was not the only hard option, but it was the only honorable one.
He chose to heal and rebuild his marriage. With unended love, unimaginable grace, and paralyzing fear, she embraced his decision.
Their recovery was like working with stained glass. So many colors on the table at once – great memories, regrets, unresolved conflicts, shattered trust, children, friends, aspirations, hopes, dreams, fears, anger, imagination, nightmares, cold sweats, triggers, sex, distance, prayer, work… Each fragile. Each intentionally connected or separated by a winding soldered line of love, hope, and faith. Through repentance and grace - slowly, carefully, a work of art could emerge.
They would have to look back together to heal, while looking forward to build.
It started with ending all contact with the other woman. If she reached out, his pronoun would change from “me” to “we” – “We are working on our marriage. We do not wish to communicate with you.” This might hurt more than he would admit.
He agreed to full disclosure, scheduling a time to answer each question, understanding the danger of partial or embellished answers. Honesty would be the only foundation upon which they could rebuild trust. She would long look for inconsistencies. She instinctively knew that truth would be his only means of consistency. He would learn to bare her repetitive questions as affirmation that she was trying, wanting, to trust him.
They created small windows of respite, times when the unfaithfulness would not be discussed. But this subject was viral, infecting every interaction and thought pattern until it would gradually retreat.
He discovered the setbacks of vying with her for the role of victim when he was overwhelmed, dismayed, or exhausted, and longed to justify his frustration.
She would have to learn to trust him, but she’d also have to learn to trust herself since she had always thought she’d know if he was unfaithful. She didn’t see it. How would she ever trust herself after being so naïve? This would take years.
In fact, it would take at least 3-5 years, before their marriage consistently felt solid to each of them. There would be triggers – places, songs, people, anniversaries of specific events – that would spin her into downward spirals with his responses largely determining whether she leveled off or nose-dived. He would have to learn to handle this responsibility with care, embracing the difficult dual roles of offender and primary caregiver. She would have to decide if she could overcome her doubts and eventually trust him again without the guarantee that she would so desperately want.
I know. Casual flirting is just who you are. You don’t mean anything by it. It’s just harmless fun. Or perhaps your intentions were solid when you confided in your co-worker. You were just asking for advice or trying to encourage. It may have felt like the right thing to do. Or maybe, you know exactly what you’re doing, but you’re just cavalier enough to think you can get away with it.
In Ephesians 6, Paul tells us to put on the full armor of God and stand firm against the enemy. In James 4:7, God tells us to resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Jesus even shows us how when he faces Satan in the wilderness and speaks only the Word of God directly to his enemy (Matthew 4). Yet, the one thing Scripture tells us to flee is sexual temptation (1Cor. 6:18).
How do we reconcile the commands to stand against the enemy with the command to flee sexual temptation?
God is assuring us that when we recognize our enemy as our enemy, we need only trust our Father in Heaven, and fear not, for our enemy has nothing with which to rival or threaten us when we’re standing firm on the Word of God. However, God is also reminding us that the whole issue of sexual temptation is our inability to recognize the enemy as the enemy. Sex is an extension of intimacy. When we get ensnarled in sexual or relational temptation, we’ve already let someone get closer to us than we would allow a known enemy. We’re not arming ourselves. We’ve dropped our shields to the ground. We’re both physically and spiritually naked. We’re defenseless while our enemy, The Father of Lies, who seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, is watching with our families in his crosshairs.
God’s Word seems to be telling us that if a threatening, red, winged, horned, cursing giant draws his sword, we can stand firm trusting God and quoting his Word. But if a co-worker begins sharing her own marital issues or gently brushing against us, we should RUN!
The wisest man in Scripture, Solomon, and the strongest man in Scripture, Sampson, were each defeated by sexual lust… but you’ve got this. It’s harmless.
Don’t be foolish. It’s dishonest, destructive, and devastating. It will not end well. Embarrassment, shame, guilt, mistrust, loss of respect and reputation, and the potential of losing your marriage await. As your mind wanders, your heart hardens and your soul hollows.
God will not hold your beer while you foolishly pursue your newfound soulmate or just a little fun. Nor will He make the consequences of your foolishness magically disappear. But He will help you pick up the pieces when you’re done.
Grace & Peace,
John