Don’t Underestimate the Danger of Being Strangers

I was recently seated in a restaurant so close to a group of teachers that I could not help but overhear their conversation. It was clear that they were taking a break from a new teacher orientation for their school system and that most did not know each other. As they went around the table sharing about themselves, one elementary school teacher made her political party affiliation known. Then, moments later, she said, “I love children.” Almost immediately, a teacher wearing something clearly identifying her with the other major political party responded, “Why do you hate teenagers?” You can imagine where the conversation went from there. One of the two left the restaurant before the food was served.

It's so easy to assume the role of antagonist or enemy when someone we don’t know indicates that he/she disagrees with something we hold dear or passionately. Once we are firmly determined adversaries, we begin listening through a strongly biased filter which attaches assumed meaning and intention to the words, actions, inactions, and even silence of someone we don’t know. Then, we often respond to our own assumptions rather than to what the other person said, did, or meant.  

The United States and the Church were each designed to be melting pots where differences of background, experience, education, economics, politics, and opinions were meant to be not only tolerated, but celebrated. Instead, the U.S. and the Church have become global symbols of division.  

Why is that?

We will always have differences. In every state, church, workplace, school, home, and marriage, there will always be differences. No two people are exactly alike; and no two people will agree on everything. In premarital counseling, I often ask couples if they know what a relationship without conflict is called. The answer – “shallow”. The deeper the relationship or the more we rub elbows in any setting, the more certain our differences will surface. We can’t live together in a home, church, or country without some level of conflict.

What’s the source of this conflict?

Our uniqueness. We were each created wonderfully complex. We differ in faithfulness, sinfulness, submissiveness, maturity, biases, giftedness, egos, health, wealth, personalities, past experiences, self-esteem, and perspectives on money, politics, laws, the role of government, taxes, parenting… You name the issue, and I can assure you that there is some level of difference within your own family, and much more so in your church or country.

Trust determines whether our differences become sources of strength or catalysts for division.

But trust is built through consistency.

Consistency requires repetition.

Repetition takes time.

The more time we spend with someone, the more opportunity to see them repeating trustworthy behaviors. The more consistency in trustworthiness, the more we trust. The more we trust each other, the less we allow our differences to divide us.

One could argue that trustworthiness is the heart of trust. Yet, I would argue that it’s familiarity rather than trustworthiness that is compromising the trust in most groups of people. If all we know about someone is how they differ from us, we’re not likely to trust them, and therefore we’re more likely to let our differences divide us. Yet, if we know each other, we’re more likely to trust each other and then our differences are more likely to strengthen us as we address the issues at hand.

How did we get here?

I think our country and our churches have been perfectly redesigned to give us the mistrust we are experiencing in each. Over the last two decades, our people have become the most technologically connected and relationally isolated people in history. The pandemic took a trend toward isolation represented by video games replacing playgrounds, texts replacing conversations, privacy fences replacing neighborly chats, and spectator events replacing engagement, and gave it an adrenalin boost that has continued long after the Covid quarantines ended.

Our country and our churches have replaced engagement with transactions, effectiveness with efficiency, and relationships with experiences, focusing on masses rather than individuals; and we are reaping the results.

Individually, our relational skills dwindle as we would rather watch from afar and critique within the safety of the internet than engage others directly in a search for solutions or common ground.  

Isolation breeds more isolation. This cycle limits the number of people we genuinely know, which limits the number of people we trust, which makes the bulk of society one big tinder box within which we will tend to hyperfocus on the differences and divide over those differences.

Without investing in relationships, our joint lack of trust will doom us to divide. There is danger in being strangers.

The answer?

Community.

Fellowship.

Listening. Talking.

Getting to know people.

Learning.

Seeking to understand people.

Loving people.

Yes, when I start looking around, I clearly see people whom I think are just dead wrong. Why? Because their thoughts differ from mine, and my thoughts wouldn’t be my thoughts if I didn’t think they were right. Do I need to just roll over and compromise or agree with someone I think is wrong? No. I need to be humble enough to admit that I may be wrong about other issues or opinions even if I’m right about this. If I can accept that I may be wrong about some things in life, and grateful that I’m not rejected because of that mere possibility, then I should be able to accept others whom I think are dead wrong about the issue at hand.

There’s no quick solution to the turmoil in our country or within the Church. Trust requires consistency. Consistency requires repetition. Repetition requires time.

But one thing is certain. We will continue to divide if we love our issues and opinions more than we love people. However, if we realize the danger of being strangers, if we seek to know our neighbors, if we answer God’s call to love others, if we can catch ourselves generalizing and stereotyping those who obviously disagree with us and stop, and if we can intentionally create opportunities to get to know others, perhaps we’ll realize both the dream of our country’s forefathers and, more importantly, the hope of our Lord and Savior.   

Every great change of direction has to start somewhere. The Church has the map. Why not go first?

Hopefully,

John Crosby