When Marriage Breaks
It was love at first sight. That curly blond hair and those big brown eyes drew them close. But it was that non-stop tail and irresistible puppy breath that sealed the deal. She was six weeks old when they brought her home.
They taught her to fetch balls, catch frisbees, heel, sit, stay. She was the perfect dog. She loved unconditionally, never fussed, and knew exactly when either of them needed affection.
Now she’s family. It’s been seven years since they brought her home. She’s too old to remember life without the two of them.
Tomorrow, a judge will decide where she will live. They have divided everything they own and everything they owe. They’ve each tearfully released things they wanted and angrily accepted what they didn’t think they deserved. They’ve exhausted their will to fight or reason. Each feels hollow. Friends and family have chosen sides. But neither could choose to let her go.
We live in a culture that refers to divorce as “commonplace.”
Though much like “minor surgery” is someone else’s surgery, commonplace divorce is someone else’s divorce. “Commonplace” suggests painless. No one experiences a painless divorce. There’s always pain.
The proud and the fearful serial divorcees may walk away as though they won or play if off as no big deal. They convince others that divorce is a painless solution. But hidden beneath the bravado are gut-wrenching open wounds. Divorce hurts everyone and everything in its path. It wounds the guilty and the innocent alike. The feelings of failure, the fears of what others think, and the emotions one has while staring into the mirror can be crippling. I’ve heard it described as drowning in a dry room.
Marriage is the simplest and most complicated of covenants. It often brings challenges unanticipated as a couple vowed “till death do us part.” One betrayal can bring pain so deep that one can’t imagine how to recover. Dozens, or even hundrends, of cuts (unresolved conflicts) can lead one or both partners to despair.
It’s easy to miss God’s presence within the turmoil of severe marital discord. But God is always present. He does not excuse himself from the worst of conflicts. He will not force either spouse to honor their covenant. Though he longs for each to do so, knowing it always takes two. Nor does God look away from divorce. He wades through every detail. He sees each act, hears every plea and accusation, knows every motive, and he loves us without limit or reservation. With grace, that amazing unfathomable undeserved love, he heals our wounds.
But the scars will hold the pain. Life, far beyond signing papers, will change. On the best of days, those changes will bump the scars, triggering moments one never expected. But God will be there too, his rod and his staff, to bring peace and restoration to those who acknowledge and trust him.
If you’re considering divorce, seek God before friends, family members, or attorneys.
James 1:5 says,
“If any of you lacks wisdom, ask God, who gives generously without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”
What could you possibly need more than God’s wisdom offered generously and unconditionally?
Then find friends, family members, a pastor, or counselors who can help you navigate healing.
If you’ve been through a recent divorce, pray, knowing that God loves you and wants to personally restore you. Yes, he hates divorce. But not in some legalistic way that now labels and segregates you. He hates divorce because of the pain it causes. Though he loves those who have been through divorce as much as he loves those who have healthy marriages. His love is never earned. He promises to forgive and restore those who trust him.
There’s always two sides to every divorce, and you’ll not help anyone ruminating over what your ex did. Though reflecting on your own responsibilities and how you might learn and grow from the experience may prevent future heartache.
If you have friends considering divorce, follow Jesus – Pray for & with them. Be present when needed. Offer love, encouragement, and resources without meddling, choosing sides, or breaking confidence.
If you have friends or family going through divorce or navigating the aftermath of a recent divorce, they don’t need your pity or judgement. They need you to follow Jesus – praying & offering love, truth, patience, and unconditional grace.
Thanks for Reading,
John
p.s.
Jo & I are offering our best insights gleaned from years of helping couples heal & rebuild their marriages through:
