Will You Be a Friend Who Remembers?

There’s nothing quite like attending a conference post-Covid while coughing like a chain-smoker. I’ve had my own elevators, section of the restaurant, and a spontaneously cleared hallway everywhere I walk.

I’m at a women’s conference supporting my wife who was unwilling to leave me home alone after I had a pretty rough bout with the flu. This hotel is a sea of estrogen. Women are everywhere. At this very moment, there’s a woman in the next room, singing worship songs in the shower at the top of her lungs. No doubt she listened to my coughing all night, so I’m not complaining.

The few times I’ve ventured out of my room, there were women sitting and talking everywhere. Every seat, short wall, table, and open floor space has a small group of women. And they are all talking! Not just each group, but each woman is talking.

With so many conversations, it’s hard not to hear some of what’s being said. It’s also clear that many of these women have attended this conference several years in a row. Now, if this were a men’s conference, those men would be comparing experiences & sharing their accomplishments and the challenges they’ve overcome since the last conference.

But that’s not what I’m hearing.

These women are sharing loss. These multi-tasking, fast-moving, ministry-minded, servant-hearted, creative ministry leaders, writers, moms, and wives, while talking about their past year, are focused on who they have lost. Some have lost a mom or grandmother, some a dad, sibling or a spouse, some a pet, or even a marriage. And the primary underlying or connecting theme that is threaded through family weddings, graduations, new jobs, grandchildren, books published, extraordinary vacations, new titles and responsibilities is grief.

Maybe years in a counselor’s chair has conditioned my ear. But what I hear amidst crazy busy and fruitful lives is an undercurrent of pain. But why is it coming out here among hundreds of women being equipped to advance the Gospel and share the love of Jesus?

Because someone asked.

These women, hundreds of them, were asked about their year. And when they reflected on everything that happened over the last year, it was loss that stood out most.

It’s easy to forget that. We are surrounded by people who have lost someone they deeply love. They have returned to work. They are busy. They look good. They are accomplishing things and helping others.

We avoid the topic. We don’t want to remind them. We think they’ll be upset if they remember. But they can’t forget. They’re afraid to forget. The fact that everyone avoids the topic leaves them thinking they’re the only ones who remember. Life has moved on. We have moved on. So, they carry their memories alone. They carry them to work and to church. They’re just beneath the surface at the grocery store and at Chick-fil-A.

I have revisited this topic several times in my writing because it’s so misunderstood. We don’t have to counsel or even console. We simply need to let them know we remember. We need to let them know we care. We need to look them in the eye and say, “We miss her too.” We’re not going to remind them. They can’t forget. Nothing fuels grief like isolation. And they think they’re alone. We need to say, “You’re not alone.”

Grief never passes as quickly as we want. But we don’t prolong it by talking about it. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Grief recovery is not about forgetting or “letting go.” It’s about talking about the loss and processing it enough to release the emotional stranglehold grief has on one’s brain. One need not forget any detail of a loved one’s life to lessen the emotional power of the loss. That’s why we need family and friends who are courageous enough to talk about what would be easier to avoid. We need family and friends who aren’t afraid to talk, laugh, or even cry while remembering our loved ones. We can hold the memories without being paralyzed by the loss if we can talk about them with people who care.

So, will you be a friend who remembers or a friend who forgets?